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The Morris Family Holiday – Part Four, The Lift Pass Office

Posted on May 4, 2013 by Jim Duncombe

The Morris Family Holiday – Part Four, The Lift Pass Office

Regular readers of this adventure may be aware that at the end of part one there was a literary cliff-hanger. You may also be aware that it has not been resolved for 3 months now. Well good news readers this is the part where it gets resolved.

For the benefit of those too lazy to here is a quick recap. I pre order lift passes online. I put them in my ski coat pocket. I have a disagreement about fashion with my son. He repacks my old ski jacket for revenge. We get to resort. I discover the jacket switch. And that brings you up to where we are about to pick up from.

It is hard to have the usual shouting match about something this momentous in chalet with people you don’t know. So I decide to keep my rage for a later date. I explain the situation to my wife and how much the passes cost. She has no qualms about anyone overhearing our situation and precedes to give my son a very loud piece of her mind.

I make my way down for breakfast.
“I hear you have lost your ski passes” the chalet host says.
“Who told you that?” I ask.
“No one”.
I am the first at the table and I start eating quickly in the hope that I miss everyone else.
“Good Morning, I hear you are having a spot of bother with your pre booked lift pass” says the man staying in the room two floors up from us.
“Did my wife tell you that?”
“Sort of”.

As the chalet host delivers my cooked breakfast she tells me that she has called the Rep and she is on her way to help deal with my issue. This is very kind of her but really ads to the embarrassment. For me a resort Rep is there to help with simple things such as showing me where the coach is or booking a restaurant. Or help with extreme problems such as medical emergencies or server weather affecting our flight. Not a family prank that has escalated. I thank the chalet host and wait for the Rep.

I retire to the lounge with a mug of coffee and a newspaper that was dropped off by another member of the resort staff. I expect that on his application for the position he pit that he was looking to work in the news industry, as the paper was delivered with some resort news that a family had booked there lift passes online and left them back in the UK. “That’s €800 down the toilet” was probably the comment in the editorial comments.

I was joined in the lounge by a ski instructor who had turned up to collect some guest. He looked at me and said “never have I witnessed this happening before. When I heard I called my girlfriend up and told her all about it. She works in the Lift Pass office”
“Can she offer any advice?” I ask.
“Yes, she said that you should always double check your packing”. I was starting to feel as if I was in a sitcom. Enter stage right the resort rep.
“This hasn’t happened before”.

When I was informed that the Resort Manager had been called I hoped that the sitcom I was in wasn’t about to turn into a holiday to a hotel in Torquay. Fortunately the manager had been employed based on his experience and knowledge and not on his likeness to John Cleese. Somehow the rest of my family had carried on as if there was nothing wrong and that no one had heard the yelling earlier.

It was decided that we would go to the lift pass office to straighten out the situation. That is all of us. The manager was coming to sort it out, the Rep was coming to learn how to sort it out, the host came to collect as she needed some more piste maps anyway, my wife came to see how badly I got on and to remind me not to do this next year, the children came as they were hoping to see me get shouted at by their mother and the ski instructor came too. I assume the instructor was keen to see his girlfriend and in no way planned on finding amusement in our misfortune.

We all squeezed in to a small office and waited for a person of authority on lift passes to appear. I was preparing to lose “€800 down the toilet” as well as this public humiliation continuing. The authority appears and to my delight utters the words “this happens all the time”. I left the lift pass office feeling slightly less stupid than when I went in and temporally €800 worse off, until I get back to the UK and prove that we didn’t use the lift passes. I think the ski instructor was more disappointed than me.

We thanked all involved, which was similar to an Oscars speech with less crying, and get ready to go skiing. We had a great day on the slopes and I forgot all about the morning. At the end of the day as we headed to a bar for a beer I was handed a leaflet.
“Save Time, Pre book your lift pass on line”

Posted in Funny | Tagged lift pass, ski hire, ski lessons, Ski Sunday, skiing

How to recreate a chalet holiday at home

Posted on April 28, 2013 by Jim Duncombe

How to recreate a chalet holiday at home

For most of us our next ski holiday is at least six months away. Which is a long time! To help you cope with this long gap we have created a guide on how to create that chalet feeling at home.

Morning

Waking up and checking the weather is one of the excitements of a ski holiday. We all love a blue bird day so plan ahead and make sure it is going to be a sunny day. Put some polystyrene balls or cotton wool on your windowsill to give it that fresh dusting feel. If you like a white out then you can just spray your whole window with snow from a can.

Breakfast

Fill your table with cereals, fresh fruit, croissant, pain au chocolate, boiled eggs, porridge, yogurt a selection of fruit juices, ham, cheese and tea or coffee. Eat as much as you like, you’re going to work hard today. Also cook your self some bacon and eggs. When sitting down to eat, make sure you are wearing your thermals. For a that authentic experience tune into a French radio station, or you could log on to a resort radio station such as R’ Meribel. Spend 10 minutes looking at a map.

Get Dressed

Get your ski outfit on. Don’t be shy, go for hats and goggles as well. Make sure you put sun cream on, you may burn. Putting on ski boots will help to make it feel realistic, but this may be going too far. Don’t forget to pack a ration pack in the form of some chocolate and a piece of fruit. Now leave the house and return five minutes later to pick up your imaginary lift pass that you forgot.

Go skiing

You have a few options here. You could actually go to a dry ski slope or indoor ski centre if there is one close by. If there isn’t then first go and get on a public bus with your ski equipment, then catch it back to your chalet, (this is actually your house). When back at home put on an episode of Ski Sunday. Once it is over, go and sit in your garden for 40 min, with your goggles on, so you can work on your tan line. You want your mates to know that you have been on a fake ski holiday. After 40 minutes go back inside a watch some clips of other peoples ski holidays on youtube, then go back out to the garden. Repeat this process until lunch time. Heat up some wine in the microwave and drink it from a glass mug. Cook some chips, then wait until they are cold and eat with mustard mayonnaise. Give £10 to your next door neighbour. Now watch an extreme ski or snowboard movie then go and sit in garden again. You can now either repeat the last step or make yourself a hot chocolate make sure you add a shot of that random spirit you bought on your last holiday.

Après Ski

It is now nearly 4pm, head to your local pub. Make sure you are still in your ski clothing. Order half’s of lager and have a shot of vodka or maybe a Jagerbomb. At about 5pm you should be ready to dance. Head to the juke box and put a selection of rock tunes on. If you are planning Austrian après, then you may need to take your own music. At 6.30pm you should decide to head home. Take ages finding your clothes that are now in various areas of the bar. Head out side and have a panic attack that your skis are not there. Remember that you left them round the corner.

Dinner

Get home and have a shower then put on your favorite jumper. Sit in your lounge, with the fire on, if you have one. Get a glass of wine and some nibbles. If you want to go all out you should make some canapés, if you don’t have the time some twiglets and hummus will suffice. Have a look at a map of where you have been today. Maybe start a game of Jenga. Now serve you and your mates a three course meal. Feel free to invite some strangers too. During dinner drink more wine than normal, this is a holiday. Make a pact with the other dinners to get up early to do it all again. Drink some more wine.

Bed

This is personal choice time. You can either go to bed early. Or sit up in your lounge drinking whatever wine you can find, then go to bed when you can find no more. Or you could go out to your local pub again, then possibly move on to a night club.

If you really want to make this a true ski holiday you can perform this every day for a week. You could bookend it with a coach journey!

Alternatively you could just wait until next winter.

Posted in Alpine Action, Comment, Funny, La Tania, Meribel, Ski | Tagged Apres Ski, holiday, La Tania, lunch, Meribel, Ski, Ski Sunday, skiing, snowboarding

The Morris family holiday – Part Three, Arriving

Posted on April 14, 2013 by Jim Duncombe

The Morris family holiday – Part Three, Arriving

We all sat on the airplane without talking to each other, based on the events up to this point we thought it best to keep a low profile on the flight. A small part of me was pleased about this as it meant that I could read my book with no distractions. When the hostess trolley came by I decided to deny myself a mini can of lager mainly because it feels like the entire crew is watching us. They have been warned.

We land at Grenoble airport and sail through passport control. The whole family is relieved to leave the reputation we earned so quickly when we arrived at the airport in England. I instantly feel more relaxed and settle into my ‘I am on holiday’ mode. This generally involves me giving up all responsibility for myself and entrusting my actions on to strangers.
“Excuse me, where is carrousel B?” I am stood next to carrousel A which is next to B.
“Excuse me, my skis haven’t come off the plane” They are in the oversized area with everyone else’s skis just like every year.
“Excuse me, I am on holiday do you know what chalet I am staying in?” “No I don’t know what company I am on holiday with, my wife booked it?”
“Excuse me, do you know where my wife is?”
“Excuse me, which coach is going to Meribel?” It has taken me so long to get to the stage where I am ready to get on the coach it is the only one in the car park.

Fortunately my ‘holiday mode’ allows me to board the coach, and, with big smiles I fail to notice the steely stares of the other guests. Later on my wife tells me about the embarrassment of sitting on the coach listening to comments such as “there is always one idiot who gets lost”. I repeat this incident when we stop halfway for a toilet break.

This year none of our friends wanted to come on holiday with us. I expect that they are busy or may not be able to afford it this year. My wife has a different theory based on the incident last year that happened in our chalet that involved me sleep walking and the chalets host. I put it down to my wife’s insistence on calling the chalet hosts, chalet maids. One was called Ben. This lack of friends meant that we were sharing a chalet with unknowns.

We were booked into a twelve bed chalet, therefore we make up one third of the occupants. To my wife’s delight the other guests are already there, so know little about my inability to board a coach. They comprise of two other families with children of similar age. The other two families have known each other for approximately two hours more than we have known them. I am keen to get the families equipment sorted at the hire shop. I am always paranoid that they will run out of boots. The other guests insist that we all share a welcome glass of wine before going. They had already got theirs, I manage to hide my impatience.

As I have my own kit, this makes me the family expert. Throughout our time in the hire shop I am always on hand to offer my opinion and override any advice the shop staff have that I disagree with. My youngest is fussy when it comes to choosing boots. Last year we had to return to the shop eleven times. We were the last people in the shop, even the rest of our family had gone back to the chalet. I assume this was so they could constantly text me that dinner time was fast approaching. My Son finally chooses the first pair of boots that he tried, I knew that we would be back at the hire shop before the week was over.

Back at the chalet dinner had been postponed by forty minutes. Fortunately when we arrive back the wine had been flowing and everyone was in high spirits. I make our apologies and pour myself a glass of wine. Dinner is served. As we all are strangers dinner starts with small talk and the conversation flows well enough. The starters are cleared and long silence falls over the dinner table. Suddenly it is broken by one of the other guests.
“Did you hear about the man who got lost at the airport and held his coach up for over an hour?”

Posted in Funny, Meribel | Tagged airport, holiday, Meribel, ski hire, Ski Sunday, three valleys, transfer coach

Is Manchester the home of British skiing? (Probably not)

Posted on March 26, 2013 by Jim Duncombe

Is Manchester the home of British skiing? (Probably not)

Sometimes a blog can sound a bit corporate, after all, it is a mouthpiece of many companies. Some companies would use a blog to slyly promote their latest offer, like a ski holiday on the 6^th of April to Meribel for only £499 per person. Not us. What we want to use our blog for is to talk about the five most amazing things that Manchester shares with our first love, skiing. You are probably thinking that we are going to bang on about the Chill Factore or about Alpine Actions Manchester to Grenoble flights that are still available for the 6^th of April, well we are not. We have done a lot more research than that.

Max Beesley

Remember Max Beesley, he was in Hotel Babalon and got his manhood out in period drama ‘Tom Jones’. He is also the man to go to if you are looking for a job. Max also comes from Manchester and is a keen skier. He loves the snow so much he launched a range of ski clothing. Like many of us Max had a few après ski drinks and thought “I could design a logo that would go on a hoodie and sell it”. Unlike many of us Max went and did it. You can now buy another hoodie with a snow related logo on it, although this time designed by Mr Beesley, from bornforsnow.com. This is not a plug.

Judy Finnigan

A popular lady, who did much for the concept of working with your husband if only to keep an eye on him. But we wonder how she keeps an eye on her husband, Richard Madley when he goes skiing. It is reported that Judy is not a big fan of the winter sport. She may go along for the free wifi, a snuggle near the fire and a glass of chalet wine. If she was clever she could book the whole family into the Chalet Rosalie for just £499 on the 6^th of April. But as they live in Devon now it may be too late for them to take advantage of our Manchester flights.

Oasis

When you think of Oasis you either think, refreshing drink that is ideal for hangovers, something to do with the desert or Brit pop band Oasis. On this occasion we are talking the later. It is rumoured that Liam and Noel, who are from Manchester, once played a gig in a ski resort. It wasn’t the Meribel Little World festival, they were asked, but refused to support ‘The Feeling’. It was in fact the Jisan Valley Rock Festival in the mountains of South Korea. We have no idea if any of them went skiing or like skiing. What we do know is that they played their famous song ‘I am the Walrus.’

Mick Hucknell

Mick Hucknell is in some people’s eyes the person Manchester wants to forget the most. Over time his fame has waned. Recently he has seen a small resurgence in popularity, mainly down to his new role as Manchester’s only fat Shaun White look-a-like. Mick can often be found at the Chill Factore signing copies of Shaun White’s video game. In other Mick Hucknell ski relate news… Mick has not been killed in a Jet Ski accident, don’t know what I am talking about? Google it!

Some Girl from Corrie

If you watch Coronation Street then you will probably know who Michelle Keegan is. For fans of the Michelle you are probably thinking there is no way you can link her to skiing. Well we can. Promo hungry, ski loving, beanie hat makers Zaini have photographic evidence of her wearing one of their hats. Sadly this was not on the slopes but on a visit to Radio 1, but if she ever does go skiing we bet she will wear that hat.

And that concludes our look at how Manchester and skiing are linked forever. If at any point you felt that the message, about our holiday to the Chalet Rosalie in Meribel, leaving on the 6^th of April from Manchester for only £499, was a bit to obvious then please get in touch.

Posted in Alpine Action, Comment, Funny, Meribel, Ski | Tagged Apres Ski, april, flights, manchester, Meribel

Teaching a loved one to ski – Part two

Posted on March 21, 2013 by Jim Duncombe

Teaching a loved one to ski – Part two

To read part one click here.

It is half way through your ski holiday and you are your non-skiing partner’s unofficial instructor. Somehow instead of this feeling like a holiday it has become a chore. Yesterday you got some skiing in on your own but this was more due to the misfortune of your partner rather than by mutual consent. When you did finally get back from skiing you found them on their fourth large glass of chalet wine. You persuade them to hobble out for some après ski.

learning-to-ski

You are both a little worse for wear, but the lessons must go on. You struggle through the pain of your hangover and your student struggles through their injury’s and hangover. You have little sympathy considering the near perfect ski conditions. Just when you were considering a temporary separation, something clicks and you now have a parallel turning sweetheart, of sorts.

After lunch you decide that it is the right time to suggest trying something more challenging. But before you can suggest it they get in first. So you choose a route that you think is realistic and set off. You wait a lot. You get cold waiting. Your attempts to cheer yourself up by flicking snow at your exhausted companion is unsurprisingly met with irritation. The lifts stop in forty minutes time. You could catch the free bus back or you could do “one more run”.

The lifts shut the minutes ago. Somehow you are still on one. It has been stopped for over twenty. Which is fifteen minutes longer than your hung over, tired, sore and cold partner’s patience will last. You should have caught the bus. It is dark and you are both silent when you get off the mountain. You are walking slightly in front and carrying two sets of skis. What you both want is a drink. As you enter the bar you spot the annoying couple from the chalet and are delighted.

The next morning you are the first down for breakfast. The annoying couple somehow talked your lovely and wonderful partner into getting a ski lesson. It doesn’t start until 10 but they are having a lie in. Let the holiday begin. Your holiday is soon cancelled with bad news. Flat light. It’s not that bad, but you think of all the good days you have missed. You meet up for lunch. They are having a great day. The instructor announces that they are a natural. You cough.

Over dinner you would be forgiven for thinking that your companion had been skiing all their life. You also find it hard to believe the distance they covered and the slopes they have been on. You should be pleased. If true you will have two more days of incident and fair paced skiing left. You should also be happy that your loved one loves skiing. Instead you feel a little inadequate that your teaching wasn’t very good. You console yourself with the knowledge that you did the hard work.

They weren’t lying. They can now ski at a reasonable level. They are now fast enough that the wait is now an enjoyable rest. The penultimate day is great. You chat, laugh, and even kiss on the chairlifts. You have a long lunch. They are celebrating their new passion and achievement. You secretly toast to the ski holidays of the future. There is even the inevitable chat about buying a place out there and the new equipment you will buy.

The last day is a late start. The new skier’s ability is holding up. You are both having a great time. You have lunch on the move. There is a thought in the back of your mind that you should supress but you can’t. Eventually you come out with how you think they should have one last challenge, you know they can do it. Three hours later you are still on the same black run shouting encouragement. Bad idea.

Posted in Alpine Action, Comment, Funny, Ski | Tagged Apres Ski, food, free bus, La Tania, lessons, Meribel, Ski, skiing

Teaching a loved one to ski – Part one

Posted on March 14, 2013 by Jim Duncombe

Teaching a loved one to ski – Part one

When you put “keen skier” on your dating profile, the chances you will get one of the UK’s estimated 1 million active skiers is slim. There is slightly more chance of finding someone who has been skiing, once. But I doubt it is a deciding factor when weighing up the options for a marriage proposal. The chances are that you will end up with a non skier.

Skiing is often something you learn when you are young. For most of us we had ski lessons when we went on a family holiday or school trip. Learning young makes it easier when we are older. It also makes us more determined to fit in a ski holiday no matter what.

So what happens when you fall in love with a non-skier and finally pop the question; “Will you go on a ski holiday with me”? Let’s hope the answered was a yes, and delirious with joy,you book your holiday.

As the dedicated and experienced skier what you are imagining is this… Hooning down the fresh powder, fast groomed pistes and steep challenging runs. All the while your non skiing partner is in ski school until they are good enough to keep up with you. What they are imagining is blue skys, snuggles on chairlift, skiing down empty runs hand in hand, with rainbows and romantic music playing in the background.

What will actually happen is that you will say, “You should go into ski school”.
“But I don’t want to. It’s our holiday and I want to spend it with you. Couldn’t you teach me?”
You think about the potential skiing that you will miss out on, but take your loved ones feelings into consideration. You look at the cost of ski lessons and think “bugger that, I’ll teach them myself”.

You arrive in resort, the snow has just stopped after 3 days of dumping, The forecast for the week is sun. It is now day one. You are stood on the baby slope with the person you love. They are stood there in ill-fitting, borrowed ski clothes, with their bronze ski hire. You look at the mountain and sigh, you turn to the most important person in your life and say “first we need to learn to snowplough”. By mid morning you have covered the nursery slope 3 times, you partner is happy with the progress, however, you look up to see the powder fields slowly getting tracked out. After lunch you move on to turning. It’s not going as well as you hoped.

On day two you wake up hopeful that your lover wakes up to say how much they ache and maybe they would like a day not skiing? No such luck, they have the skiing bug. This should please you and you should consider the long term implications of this, more ski holidays. But no, you are disappointed, especially as your attempt to palm them off onto someone else staying in your chalet failed last night. You carry both your sets of skis to the beginner area, today we are going to try and learn parallel turning. An edge is caught, there are tears and an extended lunch break. Little progress is made in the afternoon as it is just a confidence building exercise.

On day three you consider leaving your skis in the chalet. You say “don’t feel like you have to ski all day. You can have a rest in the afternoon if you like”. Somehow this backfires and you are rewarded with kisses for being thoughtful, but your offer is declined. You choose a gentle slope to “session” for the day. You know it would normally take you 5 minutes at the most to ski this slope. The First time today it takes nearly two hours. The second time it takes half an hour less. Your legs are cramping up, and you are cold from waiting around so much. “I’m just going to ski down and catch the lift back up, I will catch you up.” The thrill of skiing lasts less than a minute before you reach the lift. From the lift you see your pupil and spouse lying on the slope with two skis located uphill from her. They are moving, phew. You don’t wave. Maybe this will put them off for the day. When you ski back down you can’t find them. Your phone rings. They have had a tumble and gone back to the chalet. “You go and have a ski without me”. You know you shouldn’t, but you do. A frosty reception awaits you at the chalet, but you have had a great afternoon skiing. Chalet wine will sort this out.

Click here to find out how the rest of the Holiday goes.

Posted in Comment, Funny | Tagged Apres Ski, guides, lessons, lunch, Ski, skiing

The Morris Family Holiday Part 2 – The Airport

Posted on March 7, 2013 by Jim Duncombe

The Morris Family Holiday Part 2 – The Airport

This entry about our family holiday starts and finishes before the end of the last post. Which means that we are all still talking as no one has left the lift passes at home.

We are all in the car heading for the airport and the time is four am. We are five minutes into the journey and the excitement of going on holiday has already subsided. Reality has dawned on the family as my wife has accidently leaked the travel itinerary.
“Three hours before the flight! The Check in won’t even be open”
“Three hours allowed for a 2 hour car journey!”
“Can I have some sweets?”
The reason for my annoyance stems from my time spent in airports before I had the fortune of becoming a parent. If a place was represented by the free shot that is given away, then an airport, like a Mint Baileys, is bland with a hint of disappointment. It is far away from the Tequila slammer of a destination you are headed to. It was this that made me think that children shouldn’t be exposed to airports with their giant extractor fans that seem to only extract the excitement of going on holiday.

As I had been resolved of all responsibility for the holiday, including the driving, I have been given the job of entertainments manager, or EM as we call it in the business. This is a role that I am not very keen to embrace. I start by turning Radio Three on and start to read my holiday book. No one else finds this fun, so I try Radio One. I don’t find this fun. I suggest a game of eye spy. After two disputed rounds there is coup from the back seat. There is only one thing worse than being given the position or EM and that’s loosing the position as EM.

I am asked to present my manifesto to the family, they will then vote to see if I am allowed to keep my job as EM.
“Many years ago I thought that airports and travelling to a destination was not something for families. It was my belief that it was too miserable for children to go through. But my pledge to you is to make the travelling to the destination part of the holiday”. The next few hours flew by as I demonstrated exactly how good an Entertainment Manager I could be.

We arrived at the airport 2 hours before the desk was due to open. It was clear that I would have to take my role as EM
up a gear. Over the next 2 hours we would be told off by 12 officials and 3 other tourists. Here is a list of the things that we got told off for: Playing football in the car park; playing football in the drop of area, playing football on a moving walk way; inappropriate language; impersonating passport control; playing hide and seek around the check in desks; trolley stunt display and wheelchair racing. It was during the last event that a security guard decided he had had enough. He called the airport manager.
“Do you want to go on holiday?”
“Yes…I was…”
“An Airport is a place you come to before the holiday. It is not the destination.”

We queued at the check in desk in silence and under supervision. Once checked in and doubting that our bags would make the journey we were about to, we made our way to passport control. We finally made it through to air side after a very thorough security check.

“Would you like to sample a Mint Baileys Sir?

“I’ll take a bottle”

Posted in Alpine Action, Funny | Tagged Courchevel, La Tania, Meribel, three valleys

Category Archives: Funny

The Morris Family Holiday – Part Four, The Lift Pass Office

How to recreate a chalet holiday at home

The Morris family holiday – Part Three, Arriving

Is Manchester the home of British skiing? (Probably not)

Teaching a loved one to ski – Part two

Teaching a loved one to ski – Part one

The Morris Family Holiday Part 2 – The Airport

Meribel Chalet Holidays

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